I almost wrote that we’re “settling” back in.  It’s really more like “unsettling.”  The desperate need for money is back, but even worse this time as the job I thought I had is changing.  The office is shifting around and my work has been cut way down.  I’m running out of money.  I haven’t asked my mom yet for help with my measly portion of rent, but I’m going to have to tomorrow or the next day.  It’s humiliating.  I’m so poor already.

But I know things will turn around.  Staring at craigslist and wringing my hands and crying does nothing.  It’s desperate.  It’s shredding down my nerves.

Tonight I made flyers – I’m trying to make a go as a personal assistant/house cleaner.  Know anyone in Pasadena who needs one?

It was a good week though, I’ll admit.  I managed a video audition and an actual audition – Shakespeare – with a callback and all.  Terrifying, after years of being primarily a writer.  Terrifying because I’ve been wanting to act again for so long and yet I’ve avoided it.  And so I got rustier and rustier,  after all that training.  It felt like it was all down the drain.  But – I remember it.  Shakespeare got me back.  The muscles get worked again.  Thank God.

But now – oh hell, where do I begin?  I need a job something desperate.  I need cash and I need it now.  But, no thanks craigslist, I’ll pass on the nude house cleaning gig that keeps coming up.

I need to pick myself up.  I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror.  I need new makeup.  I need a haircut.  Well, I think I can figure out how to trim my hair – I watched the student the last time I got my hair cut at a local hair school.

I’ve started working out again.  The goal is to run two times a week and do a big hike once.  Walk on other days.  Do yoga and lift weights at home.

Use whitening strips on my teeth.

Use body lotion religiously again.

Take all vitamins, drink water, drink green tea.

Because if I’m serious – if I really want to become an actress here – I’ve got to mean it.

I need a day job to support the real work.  Edit the movie, write the next script and the next.  Audition for everything.  We’re hitting the big time now.  I’ve felt the windup for some time.

Every time you send in for a job, every audition – it’s a sign you believe you can handle it.  And that is something to build on.


Remember Georgia O’Keeffe:

“I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life – and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.”


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