2014

Good morning over Earl Grey.

Looking over Christmas photos and missing that head-spinning time.  Missing my family.  I always miss them.  We have our own particular brand of humor.  I don’t know, I like to complain about California.  I really shouldn’t do that anymore.

Here, the Aaron Rodgers cookie my mom decorated.  Poor Packers.  😦

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And here is my brother on the floor Christmas morning with Finn.  A pretty good depiction of my entire family’s relationship with that dog.

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I feel a bit jumbly this morning.  Maybe it’s because I’ve finally cut out coffee (not forever, never forever – really probably only about a week or so).

It’s just, coming back to LA has me more restless than ever.  Maybe it’s my recent birthday too.  27.  It has always sounded old.  Now that I am it (27), I realize I hardly feel up to the challenge.  When I was 18 I figured by 27 I would definitely be married, maybe having a baby.  I definitely thought I’d be cool and wearing a khaki trench coat like all the models in the J. Crew catalogue.  I don’t know why, but I had big plans where I was going to wear that trench and be a city gal.  Christ.

I’ve been taking comfort in the movie Frances Ha, which you must see if you haven’t.  It’s definitely one of my favorites of the last year, and I mayyyy have watched it at least 3 times.  Watch the trailer.  You gotta love Greta Gerwig (which I do), but it’s just the sweetest little movie.  And it was made on a Canon 5D!  Amazing, that’s what I want to shoot on for my feature!  Anyway, what was my point?  She’s 27 in the movie.  And awkward and lovely and lost and broke.  Hmm…relatable?

Look: Chris got me flowers for my 27th.

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Anyway.  I feel a greater and greater pressure to get out in the world.  To make art, real art that real people see.  And it’s not just my age.  Maybe it’s the ripening of my soul (yep, I wrote that).  Something is coming.  I feel like I’ve been in a pressure boiler for the past five years and I am about to die if I do not make more movies and act – and get paid to act!

I’ll just be honest.  I moved here in March.  I don’t expect a miracle.  I know it takes a while to get settled anywhere, let alone really become a working actor in LA.  But what do I doooooo (she whines)?

Here’s what I’m doing: I’m writing.  Every day.  Because I’m shooting a feature next summer in Wisconsin and this thing’s gotta get done.  I’m also writing a short that I’ll be shooting in the next several weeks – first I have to find a good older man actor who will be willing to work for nothing outside of a bottle of wine and a free meal.  Any takers?

I also acted in a play this fall.  I am burning the DVD of my last short film and beginning to submit it.  I submit myself on actors access every day.  I am going to get new headshots in the next couple weeks after I get myself some amazing highlights.  I am working out!   Regularly!  And I’m looking for one more small day job (I have two right now that are okay, but I need one more solid, reliable one).

Damn it, the girl wants to work!

And yet, I know there are elements of me that feel a little stuck still.  Little personal snags along the way.  Bad habits that have stuck, the ghosts of bad mindsets that slip back in when I least expect it.

But isn’t that everyone?  I just want to know the secrets of the people who make it.  Or more interestingly, the people who are in the process of making it right now.  “Make it.”  Whatever that means.  But – honestly, I want to know.  What are their habits?  What did they do to get an agent (although now is likely not the time for me yet as I’m planning that big feature).  How did they find help on their indie films (that I really would love to know)?  How did they figure out what they had to offer?

These are the questions of a beginner.  I’m lost in the dark and fumbling for some kind of clue.

Well, I already know to make my own work.  But the truth is, I feel right now like I’m doing it in a vacuum.  The truth is – get out and talk to people and ask questions and go places you wouldn’t normally.

Stretch.  It’s a new year.  That’s all I have to say for now.

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