Well.

Well well.  We did some filming and now we’re back.  Is that enough of a post?  Ha..

If you want to read more about the actual film, check it out over at the Silver Leaf Films blog but this is me in between projects:  tired, a little raw.  This is the creative person running around pulling switches behind the scene – but totally worn down.  Let me tell you, I have done literally nothing for this movie for a solid week and a half since we got back.

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And of course I feel nothing but guilt over the whole thing.  God, but if only I could allow myself to relax.  I’ve had moments, I’ll give it that.  Moments at the beach, moments with a lot of beer in me, moments at the farmer’s market with red, red tomatoes and berries, moments reading a new book.  It all helps, it really does.

But the only true way to get through this break in filming (we’re back in LA for a month before we fly back to Wisconsin to begin shooting again) is to face the music and stare deep into the beast of this thing: the footage.

Ah, the footage.  Dear God no.  Because at the end of the day it’s all that we have.  And of course we’re behind schedule and of course I’ve already looked at some of my takes and said, nooooppe, gotta go back and reshoot that.

I don’t know.  Are other filmmakers like this?  Does anyone else completely want to AVOID the footage?  Chris is always so eager to see what we’ve done that day whereas I want to put it off for as long as possible. I mean, of course I look at it obsessively while we’re shooting, but afterward I can’t stand to look at it.

Sleepy morning shoot in mah pjs

Sleepy morning shoot in mah pjs

I think it comes down to the fact that I wrote the script, cried over some very specific scenes, laughed and danced over my own stupid quaint little quips, dreamed up the most perfect characters.  I dreamed up the whole world of the movie, I moved through it as a character within it – and now, these actors, these sets, these camera angles we chose, the lighting, ME as an ACTOR….the truth is it all kind of fucks up everything that I thought I was creating.

Does anyone else feel this way?   When you write a script it’s one movie.  When you shoot it, you have to kill that movie and allow for it to become something else.  And that’s what I’m having a hard time with.

Amongst other things.  Shit, I’m basically always having a hard time about something.  Good God, pull yourself together.

I apologize that I mainly use this blog for ranting these days.

Here, look at my dog:

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As my 23 year-old brother would say, “What a pussy.”  Ah, Feeeeeeen.  (“Finn,” that is.)

Anyway.  Life is good.  We’re on break.  Coming back to LA, I’m very aware of how invested we are in our own private movie-making and how far away I feel from this community.  I want that to change.  I want to know people here, find true friends (am I asking the impossible in LA?  maybe).  I want filmmaking compadres.  I don’t have them yet.  I’ve seen a lot of bad actors and heard a lot of bad scripts read.

I mean, this is a whole other topic, but I’ll say this at least – I can’t befriend people after I’ve heard their bad script, seen them act terribly.  Because friendship here in film means collaboration.  So I keep my distance.  I like friendly acquaintances, always have, but I need artist soul mates.  Even just a couple.  And I don’t mean to sound like I judge everyone with harsh goggles – everyone has elements of bad art in them, especially in the early stages.  But you know where there’s talent, emotional intelligence, etc.  There are little sparks.  I see that in people.  I want other people who are trying to hold themselves to high standards – not “pretty good, let’s get drinks.”

I’m tired.  I really am.  And I sound arrogant.  I don’t mean to.

I don’t know if we have a film yet.  And that’s the truth.  Waiting to continue filming is a little torturous, but we needed the break.  I was starting to go off the deep end there for a while.  Crying while shooting at an open bar (we had to!  we po’!) is not a good place to be, especially when you’re directing a group of guys older than you who’ve all had a drink or two and are not being paid for you to be little miss bossypants.

See?  Tired.  So tired.

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That said, life is good.  We’re making a movie!  It’s summer time.

Breathe.  Just a little while.

It’s time to refill the well.  Give me some music, let me paint and draw and read.  And show me some footage.  I’ll be ready to get back at it soon enough.

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