“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.”
Currently: sauerkraut and wheat bread loaves.
I’m beginning to see how I only write in this blog when I am longing in some way or another. Ugh.
Days slip by. Hoping, always hoping. And avoiding. And clenching – grinding my teeth, I feel the edges rounding down. Bad, bad, bad.
I want everything. It’s deeply troublesome most of the time. But when I’m high on coffee it’s the best thing ever. I can do it alllll!!!
Anyway. I’m pushing myself in some ways lately, and in others I’ve been running in the complete opposite direction.
I’m pushing myself to branch out into LA. It feels good. Going to auditions, meeting up with friends – some of them so dear and lovely that I can’t believe I’ve waited so long – , seeking out new places and film events. It’s gratifying to stretch. It’s hard, but it gives me a high now and then.
The next thing to do is start looking like a professional (dammit). Fix up the new headshots and have them at the ready. Get business cards (wha?!). Considering getting a trendy Squarespace site for SilverLeafFilms (or would it make sense to just buy a nicer theme?? I’m a fool when it comes to the Internet…see I capitalized it).
I’m filling my head with good things – reading Great Expectations and watching movies with James Cagney and Greta Garbo. I’m singing along to Whiskeytown and Slaid Cleaves (and wishing I connected to my own generation better).
And yet – I’ve been avoiding the biggest, most important things. Editing and preparing for another Indiegogo. It’s just….it’s fucking torturous. There, I said it. Or maybe it’s just getting into it that’s hard. I’ve talked about it before, seeing all my mistakes on this movie is just godawful. And that Indiegogo last year….it just about did me in. I need to trust that we’ll be okay when we launch it next month. There are enough people who got excited about this movie last year – they’ll help, I hope? We’ll find an even bigger audience now that we’ve actually made the thing.
So, this holiday weekend, I’m facing it. It’s time to edit, time to get going on the film website, the newsletter, all of it.
And yet, if I could meander, just a little while, play some guitar, spend a morning painting, go to a lovely cafe with Charles Dickens….I think I’ll make it through.
God, what a rambling post. But there you have it. That’s how things are these days. Fumbling, but hopeful.